I have had people i can kick it, spend the time with, talk to and share a burden with. I have then special persons that I break down my thoughts to and then a particular confidant for some of my painful or hard pressing thoughts. A confidant! It is safe to say. When am down and feeling low, its whom I call, text or pay a visit. Some times its like secret crushing on her, but its simply pure love and respect for this human.
Last night I wondered so deeply, when I was not in any position to be confided in. It hit me so hard that my confidant (lets call her C) was feeling low and could’t really share any detail with me about what was pissing her off. I am not the type that gives up quick pressing people – so i tried harder. Nothing!
I thought about the times when it was I who she was comforting and giving tips, opinions and advise. Now, am in no position to even tell her what I think on what is depressing her. It seems that my bad times are always absorbed and yet me (felt like an opportunist) couldn’t take in hers. it’s not like I intend. Its until last night that I realised my confidant either has no one she confides in or can’t do so in me. May be I seem weak always? May be its her nature to tolerate other’s whims!
Deep inside, hurt and confused hoped to comfort C, talk to C, advise C but was not given a chance to. I have pure feelings for her and tend not to show them because I have always been in the position of sharing my lows. Its like my bad is infectious to her. If I know how to tap into her experiences, I think i would be saved and this uneasiness I have would be over.
May be she is being careful who she confides in.
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